


Nightmare Vacations

by PhantomWarrior99



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2019-07-04 06:20:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15835524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhantomWarrior99/pseuds/PhantomWarrior99
Summary: Going on vacation with Red Team is no small task. One could almost call it a nightmare, and Sam Ortez is about to find out first hand just how difficult it is.





	Nightmare Vacations

"No."

"That's no way to respond when someone orders you on vacation!"

Sam glanced up from his disassembled rifle, a deadpan expression etched into his features, "Absolutely not."

"Where's your sense of adventure, soldier?!" Sarge slammed a hand down on the metal table, palm colliding with stainless steel, the ping echoing through the base.

"Buried beneath my common sense," Sam retorted shortly, turning back to his weapon.

"I need to take notes from this guy," Grif nudged Simmons' arm with a smirk.

"Right, because you need more help avoiding work." Simmons heaved a sigh, rolling his eyes.

"Not to mention 'team bonding exercises'. It's nothing personal, Simmons, I just hate all of you." Grif smirked, folding his arms across his chest.

"Oh, come on, guys! No party poopers right after our morning session!"

"Donut, you're the only one who attended that bullshit meditation thing that Doc held at five a.m." Grif returned pointedly, not bothering to glance at the thin sim trooper. 

"And boy, was it fulfilling! I feel like I could take a room full of men right now!"

"No quiero ir de vacaciones con ustedes idiotas."

"Dear God, no one cares!" Grif heaved a sigh, rolling his eyes.

"Hmph! I guess only some of us appreciate the finer things in life." Donut returned, folding his arms across his chest.

"Insubordination will not be tolerated, men! You either join the bonding exercise or you're a dirty blue!"

Sam set his weapon down on the table, redirecting his gaze back to Sarge, "Do the blues enforce team bonding exercises?"

"No, which is why they're never victorious!"

"I'm joining Blue Team." Sam returned coolly, beginning to reassemble his weapon.

"You can't! The teams are uneven as it is! You can't abandon us now!" Simmons protested, "you'll upset the balance!"

"Besides, they have two Freelancers, and we already suck. We'll just suck worse after you leave," Grif supplied.

"I order you not to join Blue Team!" Sarge shouted, pointing at Sam with a determined scowl.

Sam paused, glancing up, his expression was a cross between confusion and irritation. "That's not how that works."

"Are you questioning your superior officer's orders?! Inconceivable! You're the closest thing we have to a real soldier! Of course, next to Grif, that isn't saying much, but you can't abandon your squad!"

Sam rolled his eyes, "Will you stop shouting if I agree?"

"Shouting? Me? I never!"

Sam's shoulders slumped in defeat, an exhausted huff, "Fine, I'll join your 'team-bonding exercise'."

"Hallelujah, it's like Christmas in July! Except it's not July, and there's no oddly priced items for sale." Sarge's eyes darted around the room warily, "it's all a scheme by the corporations--"

Sam's chin dropped to his chest, "What have I gotten myself into?"

\------------------

"You can't take that! It's government property entrusted to me by the UNSC!"

"Sir, this is fully loaded magnum. Your luggage is ninety-five percent weaponry of various kinds, we can't allow that on our shuttles."

"Can't allow it? Can't allow it?! Son, do you realize how dangerous this galaxy is? You never know when the Blues will sneak up behind you for a double cross! That's why i never leave home without this lovely lady," Sarge produced his shotgun from under his jacket, patting the barrel with a grin.

The security guard shied away from the barrel, one hand reaching for his own sidearm, "Sir, put the weapon--"

Sam stepped in, placing himself between the raging commander of Red Team and the station security personnel, "That won't be necessary," he addressed the guard before turning back to Sarge, "I thought I told you to leave all equipment back at base."

"Have you learned nothing, Locus? Those dirty Blues could ambush us on the flight off-world!" Sarge protested.

"Dirty...Blues?" The guard questioned, confusion etched into every inch of his features.

Sam heaved a sigh, "Don't ask," he redirected his attention forward, "Sarge, we don't have time for this. Our flight leaves in thirty minutes. Send the weaponry back to base with Washington."

"But, he's a Blue!"

"Wash drove us, sir, he can take your equipment back." Simmons supplied cautiously.

"Dammit, Simmons! Not you, too!"

"Sarge, the weapons are going back with Agent Washington." Sam reiterated, glancing towards the door where Wash was dragging four of Donut's bags through the lobby.

Sam's shoulders sagged as he slipped through the crowd towards Washington and Donut, "What's all this?"

Wash's shoulders slumped, practically dropping the bags, "He refuses to pack light."

Sam pinched the bridge of his nose, regretting, in that moment, agreeing to their vacation more than any other decision he'd ever made in his life. "Donut, you only need to pack the essentials."

"But these are the essentials, silly! You can never leave home without a fashionable wardrobe!"

"Donut, we'll be gone for a week, do you really need all these clothes?" Sam was all but pleading with him at this point.

"Well, I suppose I could be persuaded to leave part of my wardrobe home. Maybe cram it into three bags?"

The alarm blaring behind them redirected all attention back to the metal detectors where Simmon's head hung in defeat as the security personnel grilled him about emptying his pockets.

"Limit it to two," Sam ordered, "Washington will take the rest back to base."

Agent Washington started to protest, unable to slip a word in before Sam darted back towards the metal detectors, "What's the problem?"

The alarm blared once more as Lopez attempted to step through, "Oh, dios mío."

"These men need to empty their pockets immediately." The security guard nodded to Lopez and Simmons.

"I did!" Simmons protested vehemently.

Sam held a hand up to silence Simmons, "His pockets are empty. He's a cyborg."

"And the armored guy?"

"He's a robot. His body is the armor."

"Sir, I don't see a way for these two to board the shuttle. They're living weapons!"

"But I'm not equipped with any weaponry! Neither is Lopez!" Simmons gestured between the two of them.

The guard sucked in a breath, "All right, but you two better behave or you'll find yourselves out an airlock. Got it?"

"Yes, sir!" Simmons beamed, scampering through the detector before security could change its mind.

Lopez followed quickly, "Pendajos."

Sam heaved a relieved sigh as Donut trotted over lugging his two bags. The reduced baggage would have to suffice. He waited until Donut cleared the metal detector before ushering a still sputtering Sarge towards the detector.

They were almost out, almost clear of security, almost off-world. It was then he realized they were missing something.

He paused, eyes scanning the crowd for the only absent member of Red Team, "Wait, where's Grif?"

"Probably raiding some poor store for snacks before the flight," Simmons suggested, waiting as far away from the metal detectors as he possibly could.

The screaming across the airport terminal confirmed Simmons' speculation.

"I paid for my flight! The least you people could do is provide me with some free snacks!"

"Told you."

Sam shook his head slowly before pushing through the gathering spectators.

"Get the fuck out of my store!"

"Fine! But the Oreos are coming with me!" Grif hugged the massive box to his chest and started towards the exit in a huff.

"What is going on here?"

"The moron! He walks into my store and starts eating everything in sight! Just look at what he's done to my fruit display!" The owner gestured to the gaping bites in his wax fruit display.

"Psh, it's not my fault your fruit display wasn't made of real fruit." Grif scoffed, rolling his eyes.

"Why you--" The owner stomped towards Grif, who ducked behind Sam for protection.

"That is enough." Sam interjected, tension flaring across his features, an expression holding enough malice and exhaustion to stop the owner dead in his tracks. Sam's jaw clenched in a moment of exasperation, "we're leaving. Grif, pay the man what you owe him for the Oreos and we'll be on our way."

Grif scoffed indelicately, "I don't have any money."

Sam's shoulders sagged, eyes squeezing shut, mind grasping for the last fleeting shred of sanity he had left. He dug his wallet out of his back pocket, snatching the card from the fold before swiping it across the kiosk.

"It's paid for. Now, let's go."

"What about my fruit display?!"

"You'll think of something," Sam returned, shuffling out of the store with Grif in tow.

They made it to the metal detectors when the security guard stopped them.

"I'm sorry, sir, but that isn't allowed on the shuttle."

"It's not up for debate. You're making an exception." Sam's voice left no room for argument as he stalked through the detectors and towards the landing platform.

"Uh, yes, sir." The guards stared after him, cautious and intimidated.

Grif offered a smug smirk before tailing after him and the others.

They were finally onboard the shuttle, finally in the air and heading off-world when he heard the one thing he never wanted to hear.

"It looks like there's going to be a delay, folks! Someone tried to convert the engines to diesel, so we're going to have to land and ask all of you to disembark and wait in the terminal."

"Diesel is more efficient! It's the American way!" Sarge's voice carried over the loudspeakers from the engine room.

Sam's face fell into his hands in defeat. This was a hell all its own.

"I should have joined Blue Team."

**Author's Note:**

> Hey folks!  
> I hope you enjoyed this oneshot! It was the result of a fabulous prompt on Tumblr!  
> If you have any requests, feel free to send them my way!  
> As always, leave a kudo/comment and let me know your thoughts.  
> ~ Phantom


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